Archive for the 'philosophy' Category

16
Nov
08

Is that my brain I feel oozing out my ears?

I have been recently feeling like my head wants to explode from lack of use. When I’m not intellectually challenged for awhile, I begin to get physically antsy. My get this sensation almost like humming, in my brain, like it’s screaming “USE ME! PLEASE!”, and it makes me a little twitchy, and more than a little…weird. I try to deal with the feeling by going out on what I call “high speed” walks – it’s not really speed-walking so much as just wanting to walk so fast that I am only peripherally aware of my surroundings. I find it difficult to think while sitting still, for some reason, and so when I can’t take the pounding of my brain against its walls, I find that it is best to get my own self outside my own less-metaphorical walls.

But, it only helps marginally. When I come back, the feeling comes right back, often worse as I am now physically energized as well. This feeling of being intellectually stifled is bad enough in the US (and I have felt this, to varying degrees, since I was a kid), but it’s even worse here in Korea, where I can’t really talk to anyone (and even when I can, I don’t exactly feel “challenged”). I end up sitting around a lot of the time outside the Family Mart (convenience store), watching people and trying to figure out things about them, or trying to predict what they’re going to do. Sometimes I play little games with myself, even, where I do things like try to figure out where a person is going, and then I try to get there before them, via a different route, without running, or I try to get from point A to point B while always in a situation where my shadow is in front of me via the streetlamps.  Things like that which require constant observation and reassessment are my bread and butter.

I have no idea why I do these things, but they really seem to be one of the only ways that I can keep from feeling like I want to bang my head against the wall out of a lack of stimulation. I sometimes suspect that this is at least partially the reason I generally prefer solitude over random company. Most people feel…odd…to me. Boring isn’t the right word; neither is characterless – I see characters in everyone. I think that uninspiring may be closer to the mark, but whatever the word I’m searching for is, it is a word which stands for a person with whom conversation holds little more intellectual stimulation than eating a ham sandwich.  I think I would enjoy the general populace much more if I didn’t have to interact, and could instead just silently observe.

I’d almost rather trade this for mediocrity, sometimes. I know that faced with that decision, I would always choose my current state – the world is so much brighter, more colorful, so much more entertaining – but, it definitely would be a tempting switch to make. I suspect that I would probably feel like a lobotomy patient, but sometimes as is, I feel like someone has the voltage on my brain turned up a little too high.

Anyway. Just some thoughts.




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