21
Sep
08

Replay

This entire weekend has felt…off.

Last night all of us foreigners went out together to meet the two new ones, a married couple from St. Louis.  The entire night I barely spoke – an unusual and significant change from my usual loquaciousness.  I had a persistent feeling of being outside reality, like I was watching the whole evening from the point of view of an outsider, or even a movie camera.

Given my tendencies toward dissociation, this is not an unusual situation for me to find myself in.  What made this one different was the fact that it lasted for 4 or 5 hours.  Not only that, but this entire weekend has felt vaguely surreal, like I’m moving around in a not-quite-real world.  This afternoon I was alternating between unpacking, looking at job listings in Pennsylvania, and doing laundry.  I had Groundhog Day on in the background, and after awhile, I began to realize that what I was feeling was somewhat mirrored in my choice of viewing.  It’s like, without an external reference point, I feel like I’m just floating around.

I think part of it is that I had a pretty shitty middle of the week, and then things improved again by the end of the week, and then the week ended.  This sudden “stop”, combined with the complexity I had previously been experiencing, has caused me to go into a form of what I can only describe as “stasis”.

It’s very weird, and I hope it ends soon.

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